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How Not to Stage an Apartment: Our Easy 10-Step Guide!

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Look, we're not the type of people who consider staging to be the be-all and end-all when it comes to marketing an apartment. Buyers and renters are bringing their own pile of crap into their new homes, so they shouldn't be turned off if a place they're looking at has an ugly coffee table or isn't in pristine condition. Still, there are some guidelines one should follow when trying to, for example, rent out an Upper West Side penthouse for $12,950 per month. Call us sticklers, but when a property is in that price range, customers expect a certain level of aesthetic appeal. Here are 10 tips!

1) Try to cut down on kitchen clutter. For example, if you have 3-4 garbage cans, maybe spread them out a little so it doesn't look like the place is a glorified dump.

2) Even if it's tax time, remove unnecessary paperwork from tabletops. Tattered old placemats, however, are always a plus.

3) Put the pets away. Because while everyone loves a cute animal, not everyone likes to imagine living where cute animals have no doubt, er, "left their mark." 3b) Flaunt Macbook only if it's not an outdated model.

4) Dirty towels are for the hamper, not the bedspread. OK, seriously, what the hell?

5) Remember that your rug just isn't that interesting. Not even if the photo is a sly attempt to show off your Louis Vuitton bag.

6) Understand that not every view is impressive. Central Park is truly a thing of magnificent beauty, except in winter, wedged between the neighbors.

7) Is this a bathroom or a Duane Reade? We don't need to see what you stick down your throat, into your hair or under your pits.

8) Don't do this. Whatever this is, just don't do it.

9) Don't remind people that the glass is half-empty. "I sure do like the apartment, Marjorie, but those unemployment figures aren't getting any better in a hurry..."

10) For chrissakes, at least pick up the furniture! For $13,000 a month, maybe, just maybe, it would be nice if it didn't look like a tornado just swept through the place.

And there you have it, Curbed's Guide to Staging. We'd like to thank the penthouse at 27 West 96th Street for being such a great resource for this project.
· Listing: 27 West 96th Street [StreetEasy]