Thanksgiving is right around the corner and soon family members from all across the country will descend on your house like locusts. Loud, obnoxious locusts who refuse to stop talking about the Republican presidential debates. Judgmental locusts who will overcrowd your tiny kitchen offering "help" and breaking all your appliances. Locusts from Ohio, even. In honor of this great holiday, we now present the Five Places On the Market That You Wish You Could Host Thanksgiving In.
Price: $25,000,000
Kitchen: "Solarium style," double ovens, lots of counter/cabinet space, granite countertops, four-burner stove.
Dining Room: A table that seats fourteen comfortably, bar/butler's pantry, crazy chandelier.
What Thanksgiving Would Be Like: It's fancy enough that everyone tries to control themselves (initially, at least) but if things start to go south you can always hide in the butler's pantry.
Price: Since most of the places on this list are a little on the pricey side (read +$20 million) we threw in one that's more reasonable. It's going for $4,995,000. You know, something we can all afford.
Kitchen: Double ovens, double dishwashers, Thermador professional cooktop, Subzero refrigerator/freezer, 128 bottle wine cooler, and an interestingly shaped little table thing in the middle.
Dining Room: Lots of light, lots of seating, and what looks like a kids' table off by the window. Banish those kids!
What Thanksgiving Would Be Like: It's tough to explain why, but we get a good vibe from this place. We predict no more than two screaming arguments. Although if Uncle Chuck finds out about the 128 bottles of wine you have cooling, watch out.
Price: Only $90,000,000!
Kitchen: Well, it's not mentioned in the listing or shown in the accompanying pictures, but for $90 million you probably get some sort of kitchen.
Dining Room: Seats 50.
What Thanksgiving Would Be Like: Mayhem! Whose idea was it to invite 50 family members? You'd have to counter with, by our count, at least five gravy boats.
2. 795 Fifth Avenue, 29th Floor
Price: $25,000,000
Kitchen: Double ovens, dishwasher, marble countertops, etc.
Dining Room: Apparently there are iron gates? A gated dining room? Sounds good for keeping out unwanted in-laws.
What Thanksgiving Would Be Like: Depends on how strong those gates are.
1. 1 Central Park South Penthouse 2009
Price: $33,500,000
Kitchen: Sky-lit, Poggenpohl cabinetry, appliances by Miele, Wolf, and Subzero, 95 square foot pantry/wine cellar, granite topped island with integral stone sink.
Dining Room: Seats fourteen (everyone gets his or her own armchair, beautiful chandeliers, natural light, grand piano.
What Thanksgiving Would Be Like: WASP-ishly perfect.
-Jeremiah Budin
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