HGTV's Selling New York rides along with brokerages CORE, Gumley Haft Kleier and Warburg as they try to sell fabulous properties fabulously. Here's our recap of how the NYC real estate industry is portrayed to the world, penned by Molly Reisner. Episode air date: 11/3/2011.
Holy Bejeesus, it's Regis! That's right, if you caught last night's SNY than you know that everyone's phavorite Philbin was pheatured. Why? Because he did a segment on his show about selling real estate and was trained by the one and only...you'll have to kontinue reading to krack the kase (so many hints I just gave you! plus the photo!!). Did Reeg scoop up a sale on the double digit digs he open-housed? More importantly, did he demand there to be platters of pigs in a blanket present? Then, a most intense broker is UNDER SO MUCH PRESSURE to sell an exclusive Gramercy pad. Will he be able to redecorate the fugly furnishings and nab a contract? I wish I could just say YES to all these burning questions, but it's so much more complicated than that. Time to get wrapped up in this not-so-simple recap!
CRISIS #1: REGIS TAKES TO MAMA BEAR LIKE A MAMA BEAR TO HONEY AND CHANEL NECKLACES
Ring! Ring! Michele Kleier just got an exciting phone call from the producers of Live! With Regis & Kelly. They want her to play Mr. Miyagi to Regis' Daniel Larusso AKA train the Reeg in the real estate market arts of broker-ate. Mama wants to impress Reeg and his staff "because you never know where it leads." She's totally looking for a sequel!
Here are Mama & Papa in their office kibbitzing about the news. You know what they say...the couple that works perpendicularly to each other stays together:
Mama thinks she's scouted the perfect building to show Regis producer Joni Cohen Zlotowitz to see if it'll work for the segment. She heads to The Aldyn at 60 Riverside Boulevard?picked for its prime perimeter to Regis' west side studio.
Mama shows Joni around a $3.125 million unit to dazzle her with the Jersey views:
While Joni thinks the building is a beauty, she doesn't think it has "that WOW factor" she's looking for.
WOW-less Joni is a sad Joni:
But! Joni has done her research and tells Mama she wants to check out the $27.5 million property at 995 Fifth Avenue she spied on her website. (Or maybe she's nostalgic for season one.) Mama explains she didn't show her that one cuz it's a) not on the west side near Reeg and b) it's barer than my fridge AKA so empty (though it Reeg his training wheels at 995 Fifth Avenue.
With a filming crew in tow, up they go to the 16th floor to walk n' tawk around 8,360 square feet (!!) of this:
"The master bedroom is very important, Michele," Reeg intones to Mama as they head down the hallway. Awww, this is how old people flirt!
Mama teaches Reeg important real estate word conversion like:
say library NOT DEN
say media room NOT STANKY TV ROOM
say entrance gallery NOT FOYER
say hot dog pastry not PIGS IN A BLANKET (I wish)
Here, she teaches Reeg the ultimate secret to being a successful broker...how to put your cell phone on vibrate. Vibrate On! Vibrate Off!:
After the training is complete, Mama says "Regis is a natural." He is ready for the black-belt open-house.
Then, it's pigs in a blanket GO TIME! While the segment is being filmed, Reeg slays the competition (there is no competition) with his trademark 1-2-punch of charisma, silly jokes and his secret weapon...that friendly smile:
Of course, PIBs nestled in fake grass are a must!
Finally, the Live! segment airs and the Kleier fam happily gather to watch Mama pal around with Reeg on the tube:
The result of the segment? The update reveals Mama is negotiating two offers! But it seems like none of them worked out, since the listing is still up. No matter, Reeg is still a champ!
CRISIS #2: BROKER MUST AGE DOWN GRANDPA-FURNISHED GRAMERCY PAD 50 YEARS
Warburg broker Richard "My Stare Is So Intense I Could Start A Fire With It" Steinberg is angling for an exclusive on a unit at 50 Gramercy Park North. We've been all over this Ian Shrager-developed building?and so have celebs Jennifer Aniston and Karl Lagerfield!
The owner's real estate rep, Jeremy Stewart from Park View Realty in Boca Raton, FL, needs a NYC agent to show the 3BR/3.5BA unit to potential buyers.
But first, a tour:
Gross, ugh, nasty! That's what Richard thinks of the dark, dull decor. This is an Ian Schrager unit for crying out loud! Where is the snazz, the sleek, the white Eames chairs?! While the bones of the place are solid, Richard's not sold on the style.
The old timey guards need to go:
Design aside, Richard is feeling the Gramercy Park Hotel amenities attached to the apartment. "For me, this is a broker's dream," he gushes. He also explains that the floor-to-ceiling windows are called "the money shot" in real estate. Someone needs to tell Reeg that ASAP!
Jeremy offers him a three-month exclusive, which is three months less than Richard would like. With the asking price at $6.25 million, Richard tells Jeremy that if he wants a quick turnaround he'll need to lower the price to $5.5 million. He'll also need to wave a magic Schrager wand to get the place looking light, bright n' white.
Off to decor store Brocade Richard goes to get help from owner Lisa Versacio. The Studio 54 glass and silver vibe she suggests is perf for the makeover.
Richard takes a spin under the disco ball. Work it, Steinberg!
The staging is complete and Richard has interested buyer Leslie LeCount as his first, fake client. Is this the same Leslie featured in this piece in the NYT about renting in Jersey City? Hmmm, curious. You can dye your hair blonde Les, but Google will find you.
While showing Les the pad, Richard emphasizes the "lifestyle" aspect of having the services from the hotel next door. Les acts intrigued about the trendiness of the Gramercy address, and nearly foams at the mouth when she sees the exclusive, must-have-a-key-to-enter Gramercy Park. "Wow, look at these gates!" she exclaims.
Lock me in with the rich people!
Then, Richard takes Les on a tour of the new and improved property. Les brings her designer Geoffrey Bradfield along to make us believe she can afford this:
Richard gets very dramatic at one point while revealing the apartment's deep, dark secret...the cluttered library where all the owner's crap is stored!
The cause of horror. Cover your eyes, children!
Les is glad the apartment was decorated and states that if it wasn't, she woulda "turned around and left." Presumably to go back to Jersey City?
Forfreakingfinally, Richard has a follow-up meeting with Jeremy at Sant Ambroeus cafe. Completely apparently, Les went "MIA" after the showing, though he's shown it a bunch of times to others. But...he needs more time. Jeremy gives him the extension. Did the place sell? Nope! The update informs that Richard's still showing the joint. And my research shows that it's been marked down to $4.95 million. I smell a bargain!
Episode Grade: A little Reeg never hurt anyone and there was a disco ball! All in all, I give this glittery fluff of an episode 3 out of 5 starry-eyed cackling Kleiers.