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Selling New York S4E8: The Apartmentalist

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HGTV's Selling New York rides along with brokerages CORE, Gumley Haft Kleier and Warburg as they try to sell fabulous properties fabulously. Here's our recap of how the NYC real estate industry is portrayed to the world, penned by Molly Reisner. Episode air date: 12/8/2011.

It's no secret that pretty much any person in the customer service industry doubles as a therapist (and triples as a psychiatrist if they have a spare Xanax)?the guy who cuts your hair, the woman who helps you pick out a dress, and, of course, your broker. Last night's Selling New York featured apartment seekers who need a little extra hand-holding to bring them to their apartment breakthroughs. First, a single publishing exec worried about a husband-free future gets a buying boost from her soothsaying Klients. Then, a divorcing momtress (mom + actress!) with old school Hollywood lineage manages a life-changing move from Connecticut to NYC with the help of her empathetic agent. Will you need tissues as you hear about heart-hitting home issues? Pull down your safety bar and tighten your lap strap cuz we're about to ride one emotional roller coaster with bumps, twists and maybe even some light yelling!

The Kleier trio?Mama Bear, Samantha and Sabrina?are in full author mode at Book Expo, where they're signing copies of their novel, Hot Property.

This could be you, if you ever get your book published (talking to self):

Their book publicist, Harper Collin's Publicity exec Tina Andreadis, reveals to the ladies that she's been thinking about losing the longtime rental and buying a bachelorette apartment. But she's a hot mess about it?now that she's 40 she feels like she should have the husby and kiddles to go along with the ownership status. Not so! say the Kleiers. They vow to help her find her dream pad, and "maybe find her a husband while we're at it," says a majorly preggers Sam. Seriously, hook sister T up!

Next, Sam and T check out an apartment in T's current Chelsea London Terrace complex (ah, to live here!) at 410 West 24th Street.

Will this $999K unit make T feel like a sizzling single or a sad spinster?

Spinster wins. T's fear of flying solo overtakes the experience, so Sam tells her to bring a family member next time to use as a bouncing board and to feel supported. She reminds T that she's "not throwing marriage out the window" just because she's buying a place alone. T's not convinced.

I don't think T needs a husband to confirm that, YES, this tushie-cleaning toilet is ultra-creeps:

Single issues aside, T's not loving the pass-through kitchen (even though she, shh! don't tell mom! doesn't really cook).

Next, Sab (subbing in for Sam who had her baby a smidge early) brings T and T's bro-in-law, Mark Silverstein, to this London Terrace 1BR/1BA priced at $849K single lady dollars:

T is def loving the space, and her mental mindset seems to be less mired in mourning her marriage-less-ness. Sab and Mark tag-team as T's cheerleaders, helping her visualize the rooms and getting her fired up instead of fraught down with depresso thoughts.

Sab and T share some "I'm there for you, girl" hand-holding:

You will survive, T! Some time passes cuz Sam's back to work post-baby and meeting T and her mom to view yet another London Terrace offering?this 1BR/1BA tallies up to $765K.

There is so much going on with this mother-daughter dynamic:

Mom offers to help T buy the apartment, ruffling T's independent feathers. T seems a bit suffocated by her mom's presence, feeling like she's buying the apartment with mom as a roomie?the ultimate in spinsterhood nightmares. The pressure to procreate percolates!

T is all about freaking out over 40, whereas her mom would like T to keep her age on the downlow. Mom's POV on blabbing about one's accumulation of years:

So. Much. Aging. Angst! Aaaaah!

Later, Sam and T lunch it up at The Red Cat (soooo good!) to gab about financial realities. T co-owns a house with her sis in E. Hampton and needs to know how much dough she'll need to front for a co-op down payment. Sam gives it to her straight?with a co-op she'll need more than 10% but it varies from building to building. T decides she wants to see the $849K pad again, but is also nervous about living paycheck to paycheck. So many decisions to make when you're aaaall aaaalooooone. Cue: single tear down right cheek.

Sam and T clink french fries. Here's to a second mortgage you may be barely able to afford!

AnywhereisTinashusbandways, the Kleiers file into T's office for a book biz meeting and to get the scoop on T's apartment status. T tells the gals she's ready (AKA not letting her romantic status bring her down) to bid on her beloved pad, but jeepers! Sam explains to T that the board won't approve buyers with more than one mortgage. Was that the one that got away? Well, T's still looking for her dreamboat abode but hasn't found it yet. P.S. Can someone fall in love with T so we can have a happier follow-up episode? Thaaanks.


Warburg agent Deb Lupard is having lunch with divorce attorney Peter Morris. Why? Because Peter's Connecticut client needs to find a rental in NYC for her and her kids. Oh, and she's Shirley Maclaine's daughter. Oooh! Without further introduction, in walks Sachi Parker, mom, actress, and all-around sunny lady:

Sachi explains she needs a home before the imminent school year and that her budget is $6700 a month. Clearly, Sachi is not a starving actress. Deb commiserates with Sachi's predicament: she too went through a divorce and was a single NYC-livin' mama. I smell an insta-friendship!

First, Deb takes Sachi to the Upper East Side since it's more similar to Greenwich, CT, where Sachi used to live. This 1,263-square-foot unit runs for an eye-popping $7,000 a month:

Sachi finds the space "happy" but the 2 bedrooms don't offer enough privacy for her and her daughter. Hmmm, Deb's not sure what Sachi wants so has a little getting to know you sesh with her at Min Apothecary where they totes bond over divorces n' stuff:

"Having a friend in Deborah really helps to lower my anxiety," Sachi says. Awww. If you're ever feeling lonely, remember you always have your broker to lean on!

Sachi tells Deb that in addition to having her be her new BFF, she also wants an open-feeling apartment with room for guests, light, and spaces for her kids to hang out. This is just the info Deb's been looking for and has an amenity-laden apartment in mind at...

Lincoln Square's The Ashley at 400 West 63rd Street. Sachi wonders at all the amenities the building has to offer?a climbing wall, bowling, basketball! Sachi is super wowzers about it, plus loves the apartment itself:

Sachi tests out the court with her signature bounce-bounce-yay i made it! shot:

Maybe she'll play a pickup game with Carmelo Anthony if she rents? Sachi wants to snap up her new single girl pad, but at $7,550 a month, she needs to vet it through her lawyer. Sachi is uber-grateful towards Deb for shepherding her through the apartment shuffle. Clasping of hands signifying strong bonds occurs (see top photo for reminder).

Did the lawyers figure out Sachi's financials? Yes and phew and whew because SACHI DESERVES THAT APARTMENT! Sachi, Peter and Deb chow down on some Mexican grub at Fonda Nolita to celebrate the signed lease. Friendships are toasted, dinner invites from Sachi are given out, and Deb fills us in that Sachi is planning to buy after the rental is up! It's a win-win-win (except for the whole love not working out part).

Y'know, I have to say that Sachi really seems like a sweet woman, and to emanate happiness with a doozy of a background is no small potatoes. Here's to your revived acting career, Sachi!

Episode Grade: Yay to positive 'tudes, learning to live happily without a dude, and brokers who help brighten a mood! If someone can get T a promising date, I'll give this episode 5.0 out of 5.0 cackling Kleiers. Otherwise, I'll call it at 4.5.

· Selling New York [HGTV]
· Selling New York coverage [Curbed]