Welcome to Bravo's Million Dollar Listing New York, where three young brokers, Fredrik Eklund, Michael Lorber, and Ryan Serhant, show the world what it takes to sell high-priced New York apartments. Check in each week for recaps by Eater NY's fearless nightlife editor Scott Solish. Episode air date: 5/2/2012.
Hope you have your tissues ready because it's the last episode of the season. This week, everyone sits around a campfire and shares their feelings on childhood, the economy and their favorite lattes in New York. Just kidding! But not really.
Crisis 1: Trying To Stop A Sinking Ship
When we last left off, seller Ken Nahoum was furious with Ryan that the intimate party he planned for his mega loft at 95 Greene Street had become a full on rager, telling his soon-to-be-ex-broker that he wanted it wrapped up immediately. But the quick-thinking Ryan used the many ladies in the house to distract the owner long enough for Ryan to find an actual real estate broker in the Fashion Week crowd, and she has a client who wants a private showing. Genius.
The buyer comes, and he's a wealthy venture capitalist who seems impressed by the space but despises the rustic kitchen, the outdoor space, the plaster and the tiles. No deal, Serhant. So Ryan starts to pound the pavement (with his phone, that is) in search of someone who will buy this apartment. This face tells you everything you need to know.
Just when things couldn't get worse, old Eddie the Boss shows up and lays down the law.
Oooh, scary! But what's even more scary is Eddie's hairstyle. It's like a mullet meets a weave, with a little Milli Vanilli mixed in to boot. Just when it looks like the end, a call comes in from a broker with the name of Kaptan who is representing a, what else, wealthy French buyer who is interested in the place based off the Fashion Week party pics. Boo to the mofo yah!
When the Kaptan comes back with his offer, it is way way way below asking price. Almost 40 percent below. Ryan wills Kaptan to get the buyer up, and then has to do so again when he finds out that Ken has his heart set on more money. Finally, they wind up doing the deal. Or do they? We all know the trouble the owner has had over the last few years, and there's no closing listed. But hey, good for Ryan.
Crisis 2: When the Expert Must Learn To Teach
Fredrik is back in New York and ready to get back to serious brokering, but first his assistant wants to take him for some schnitzel and discuss a listing he may have lined up. Fredrik loves that the guy is trying to spread his wings and fly, but the schnitzel, hmm, not so much.
The listing is at 61 Irving Place, and is a 2000-square-foot duplex with two bedrooms, a working sauna, and 20' ceilings. Marcella the owner doesn't want to sell, but she may be moving to Milan. So what about the price? Here comes the drama.
That's why you are just a gosh damn assistant! Keep your mouth shut and turn your brain off and just do what Fredrik tells you and maybe you can move up to janitor one day.
But while Fredrik tries to give him pearls of wisdom, all he gives to Fredrik is nonsense, including telling him that the air conditioners are broken at the building the day of the open house. We smell trouble. Being the crack broker he is, Fredrik arranges for some temporary AC units to arrive, but where oh where is Justin?
Besides this jackassedness, the rookie also forgot to put the listing price on the marketing material! Guy should be fired on the spot. But before Fredrik can get too Swedish on his ass in front of the other brokers at their open house, Ryan shows up. Ruh-roh. You might as well just watch the whole scene because it's that good!
KABOOM. But even though Fredrik may be feeling great from that power move, the seller breaks the news that she wants to take the apartment off the market because her job in Italy fell through. Justin has a meltdown because his big broker dreams were all based on this one client and now he's got nothing. But Fredrik put him in his place for fifth time and lets her know his Swedish love is always there for her. Swedish meatballs of love time!
Crisis 3: Selling Townhouses Ain't Child's Play
Michael is still trying to get his listing at 33 Charlton off the ground, and after reading his textbook, he knows it's time for a big broker's open house. And because he wants everyone to know the property is kiddie friendly, it's a carnival themed open house. But why shouldn't he indulge in a bit of fun before, too?
This guy has to come to the summer house. The girls will love it! Anyway, the brokers come, but amazingly, no kids. You mean that parents don't want to bring their kids to see a townhouse in the middle of the day to test it to see if it's kid friendly? Who could have guessed that? But then you know what? A kid does show up and Michael is finally in his element.
Could this insane strategy work? It just might. A broker repping a family comes by, and not only is he stranger than Michael (if that's possible), he wants to take a serious look at the place. He even gets Michael to take an elevator ride, causing our hero to engage in his #1 hobby, sweating.
Michael 2.0 comes in and makes a really low ball offer. But Michael 1.0 is such a tough guy, he lets him know that low ball is not going to fly here, leading to this amazing negotiation.
What people on earth are trusting these two with any kind of financial negotiation? LINSANITY! But after one more terrible joke and some awkward smiles, Michael actually lands a deal. Kid is going out on top of the broker game, even with all of his quirks and threats of violence. Good job, buddy.
That's it, folks. We'll see you at the Emmy party.
· Official site: Million Dollar Listing NY [Bravo]
· Million Dollar Listing NY coverage [Curbed]
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