HGTV's Selling New York rides along with brokerages CORE, Kleier Residential, Warburg, and Halstead Property, as they try to sell fabulous properties fabulously. Here's our recap of how the NYC real estate industry is portrayed to the world, penned by Angela Bunt. Episode air date: 6/7/2013.
Weee'reee baaack! It seems like only four months ago we were saying our goodbyes and tearfully giving out Cackling Kleier ratings, as Season 6 of Selling New York came to a close. Actually, it was four months ago. Thankfully, the cold winter has passed and we're back and better than ever. Another round of everybody's favorite real estate show is here for the summer. This season HGTV has switched up the formatting by airing the episodes as part of daytime SNY marathons, so we'll be switching up our formatting, too, and sharing our minute-by-minute reactions. So grab your bowl of almonds, or kale chips, or whatever Paleo snack of your choosing, and enjoy.
1:00: The episode begins with everybody's favorite Warbug ball and chain, Deborah Lupard. She's heading out to the country as usual, to visit her never-ending supply of "friends," aka clients. I'm assuming that because the SNY camera crew is at the trio's lunch, that Deborah will indeed assist them in selling their gorgeous house in New Paltz. While she may not have the expertise (or desire) to sell the entire thing, she agrees to at least help them get it market ready. As Leslie and Woody say, "the sooner the better."
2:42: CORE's dream team is back! Tom Postillio, looking sharp as ever, but we still haven't gotten a good close up of Mickey Conlon's tie. Wait for it?
3:47: Boom! Red and white stripes? Fourth of July is still another month away, guy. This sharp-dressed duo are heading to Joan Collins' apartment in Midtown East to size it up and get it ready for listing. As Tom says, "the stakes are incredibly high" because they're the fourth brokerage firm to have the listing in just the past year. Talk about pressure from a picky client! The $2.35MM apartment is amazing, and was designed by Ms. Collins herself. Uh oh, do I smell a staging conflict in the near future?
4:52: It appears that Deborah is a woman of her word. She's clearly taken aback by Leslie and Woody's beautiful space – "I just want to live here and stay here...no, seriously guys, I can't stand the hustle and bustle of the city anymore. How much to take this off your hands?" – and who wouldn't be? The 3BR, 3BA is warm, inviting and humongous. Not to mention that backyard is killer.
6:00: As anybody who has ever watched SNY knows, the best way to generate foot traffic for a listing is to throw an awesome bash in an awesomely decorated apartment. While nobody knows how to party quite like Mama Kleier, Tom and Mickey are determined to take a crack at it. Mickey heads to the LIC (whatup Silvercup Studios?!) to get help from his interior designer friend, John Lyle. Hopefully Lyle can make an already dazzled property even more dazzling. By the way, isn't the expression "smash" success, not "smashing" success?
7:30: After "researching" aka she Googled it, Leslie discovers New Paltz real estate wiz Harris Safier. The power trio – Leslie, Woody and Lupard – head to Safier's digs to get a feel for his brokerage style. It seems he's the man for the job! Deborah is so clearly trying to pawn off these clients onto Harris. Just give the woman her referral money and get her out of New Paltz.
9:04: Mickey Conlin's life motto: Another day, another tie. Another coordinated jacket. I have to say, I respect a man who is unafraid to wear white pants.
10:44: THAT RUG MICKEY IS LOOKING AT COSTS MORE THAN MY COLLEGE TUITION. Like, a lot more. Are we still in a recession? I hear there's a great Kmart down in Astor Place with some cheap throws.
13:40: Mickey and Tom take Joan on a tour of her redesigned digs. Don't you think she kind of looks like a Madame Tosseau wax version of herself?
Wax figure or not, Joan seems to be loving the new furniture and photographs in the apartment. Save for the hand-beaded African chairs. Who's hand-beading those things, anyway? Hmm?
14:45:Deborah takes her NYC agents on a field trip to the New Paltz house?a house which they've priced at $1.1MM. In what will be our first celebrity doppelganger of the season: don't you think Harris looks just like Ed Begley, Jr.?
16:21: It's showtime! Mickey and Tom put the finishing touches on their Joan Collins-inspired party, and now it's time to work that room.
16:56: YESSSS, MAGGIE KENT! Woo woo woo! *Arsenio Hall fist pump*
18:45: How convenient! Woody and Leslie are in NYC for the day, and Deborah wants to show them an apartment similarly-priced to their home. Similarly priced, but about 1/4th of the size.
20:03: Deborah says that she just wants Leslie and Woody to be happy so they can move on to the next phase in their life, and that selling their home is "an inTEGral part of moving onto the next step. And I can honestly say I have never heard anybody pronounce the word "integral" that way. Unfortunately in real estate, integrity doesn't mean much, and three months later their New Paltz home is still on the market.
21:00: Mickey says the party was a "tremendous" success, and they even made the front page of the Daily News real estate section! (Looking a little shiny, Mickey.) He goes to meet Tom and they toast to a job well done. Four months after said toast, and a minor price drop, and Ms. Collins' apartment was sold.
Wow! Episode one down the hatch, and so is this entire green smoothie I had to drink for breakfast, which left me completely unsatiated. It's like, where's the food? Nevermind?no time for that now?episode two is about to start! How can you top a season premiere featuring Joan Collins? I guess we're about to find out.
1:57: Enter Ivana Tagliamonte, Exec VP of Halstead Properties, who is on her way to Tribeca to check out a "classic loft." The owners have already relocated and are eager to sell their old crib. Ivana is either pregnant or she just ate a bowling ball. Regardless, this apartment is ridiculous, and almost resembles a church with its stained glass windows. Oh God, we're not even three minutes in and Ivana already dropped the "we need to do a staging" bomb. "I'm getting too old for this sh*t." (said in Danny Glover voice.)
3:10: Next up is Sabrina Kleier?who's as blonde and fresh-faced as ever. She's helping her Los Angeles-dwelling pal Charlie Matthau (son of Walter) find a place on the East Coast. So I guess we just answered our "how can you top Joan Collins" question.
4:50: Not three minutes after the staging comment from Ivana we already have blatant client/celebrity plug: this time for the premiere of Charlie's new movie at the Tribeca Film Festival.
6:40: Ivana gets the owners' blessing to stage their apartment. (If I had a quarter for every time we hear Ivana say some variation of the sentence "owners stage the apartment" I'd have enough money to stage the damn thing myself.) She heads to the home of famed interior designer, Lucinda Loya, to ask for her expertise.
8:49: Mama Kleier makes her first appearance of the season when she and Sabbo are seen working the red carpet at the Tribeca Film Fest?OMG! It's George McFly!!!
9:46: Lucinda and Ivana head out on a shopping trip to pick up furniture for staging. "What about this table, Lucinda, this looks a lot like your style!" And Lucinda's like, "Ummm, no." I love how Ivana just plops down in the recliner all pregnant n' shiz.
10:55: Has anybody on this show ever said, "we have plenty of time and not a lot to do?" Not according to Ivana, who has decided to pay for the apartment staging herself, and now has to organize the actual party in which she will showcase the pad.
12:00: Sabrina takes Walter to check out a $12.9MM apartment at the Centurion. Sabrina says it's harder to find an apartment for a couple because they "both want to make each other happy." More like the man wants to keep the woman happy and the woman has unreasonable demands that you can never live up to because her daddy didn't buy her a pony when she was little. Hey, Walter Jr., you're in New York City. Stop complaining about your expensive pretzel and get a $1 pizza slice next time. Ooh, did somebody say amenities? *Ears perk up*
13:30: Woah, when did Michele show up at the apartment? "Oh, Charlie, I loved your father in 'The Odd Couple.'"
14:35: Cut to Ivana, Lucinda, and some chick named Kimberly?who is apparently dealing with an excess of fabric?losing their sh*t while they get the apartment ready for staging. Staging which ended up costing $5,000, apparently?taken directly out of the college fund for Ivana's unborn child.
16:27: Ivana gives her baby fetal alcohol syndrome when she and her colleagues cheers to "selling the apartment."
17:05: Sabrina brings Charlie and Ashley to check out the Trump International. Hey, I think I can see a homeless person sleeping on the Christopher Columbus monument from here.
18:08: Ooh, Ashley just dropped the "we're going to weigh our options" line. That's the real estate equivalent of being friend-zoned.
19:22: By the time Charlie and Ashley decide they want to buy an apartment at the Plaza, it's already been sold. Aaaand boom goes the dynamite.
21:00: It seems Ivana's hard work of staging has paid off, and she has an offer on the Tribeca loft (an offer which we later find out has fallen through). Time to kick back and enjoy an iced coffee. We've got a long season ahead of us.
Celebrity appearances, doppelgangers, bowties and frantic apartment stagings: this mini-marathon of Selling New York Season 7, episodes 1 & 2, gets five out of five Cackling Kleiers. We're happy to be back.