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Million Dollar Listing New York S3E08: Let's Get Personal

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It's Season 3 of Million Dollar Listing New York, where three brokers, Fredrik Eklund, Luis Ortiz, and Ryan Serhant, show the world what it takes to sell high-priced New York City apartments. Check in each week for recaps. Episode air date: 5/21/2014.

After suffering through a litany of abuse from a real estate developer last week, Luis takes himself on a vacation to Puerto Rico. Well, kind of. He has NYC clients who want a vacation house, so he's here to show them some sunny digs. And share the secrets of his past: at age 16, he told his parents he was going to the beach, but instead bought a one-way plane ticket to Florida. Gasp! Luis, we thought you were the nice one.

Since he doesn't have his real estate license in PR, Luis isn't getting anything out of this deal, but the clients—a plastic surgeon and his wife—are good business, so he wants to keep them around. Either way, he's in super high spirits and his happiness is adorable, especially when he tells his mom he loves her. Awww…

Back in New York, poor Fredrik is experiencing feelings on the other end of the spectrum. He's down in the dumps because his sale at the Apthorp fell through, but no time to dwell on the past when there's money to be made, so he's heading to Soho. Ten months ago, Freddy sold the penthouse of 20 Greene Street to a dude named Steve, who completely renovated the property. And now—surprise!—he plans to sell it.

He dropped $3 million on renovations to completely change the place, adding an infinite fireplace and huge rooftop terrace.

Fredrik is so excited he, literally, shouts from the rooftop.

Time to talk numbers, so, naturally, Steve plops himself on Freddy's lap, pinches his cheeks, and, uh what? Anyway, since Fredrik sold Steve the space for $9.7M and he put $3M into it, Freddy suggests a re-sale price of $14M. Steve is not into it.

Steve says his "magic number" is $16M. Fredrik shouts at him points out that the place has no doorman or amenities, and he says that $15M is the max. After some awkward silence and a staring contest, Steve agrees. And "not a penny less."

When we meet up with Ryan, he's with girlfriend Emilia at some weird purple restaurant. Last time they saw each other, Ryan acted like a property-selling-money-loving robot, and Emilia stormed out. Emilia looks like she doesn't want to be there, and Ryan looks like he would rather eat his plate than apologize.

Instead, he says New York made him mean, and they have a suuuuuper uncomfortable conversation. But finally! Ryan makes a breakthrough and shares stories about meeting his biological dad. It's actually very touching and made Ryan kind of… dare we say it?… likable. Ugh.

Back on the beaches of Puerto Rico, Luis is showing his clients around the St. Regis resort, which sits on a pretty 465 acres of private rainforest with 2.5 miles of private beach, tons of pools, a golf course, and a spa. The Jones' budget is about $1 million, but the units at the resort start at about $1.5 million, and Luis insists they are only interested in five star properties and they just want the best, so this will work out, right?

The Jones' think it's beautiful, but it lacks a "vast room," and they want something bigger. If this show was into symbolism, then the black bird at the end of the scene would probably have an ominous meaning, but good thing this show isn't really at that level.

At the Soho penthouse, a tuxedo-bedecked assistant is whipping up some escargot for private showings, because what goes better with a multi-million home than snails?

Fredrik tells the first guest that tuxedo guy/slave boy is from France, and no one cares, but they are impressed by the place. They aren't so impressed with Freddy's pushy, pushy attitude.

Now that his personal problems are solved, Ryan is back at it, with a big coat and a listing for a really outrageous townhouse in Lenox Hill. Not one of the nice ones that someone would "literally kill for," but one of the…other ones. It is, as Ryan, says, "super '80s."

Since it hasn't been touched since the '80s, the 25-foot wide, 5BR/5BA five-story house has things like the "first ever" video intercom system, a gigantic jacuzzi whirlpool room with a box TV and built-in record player. Ryan geeks out a bit, but says the place has great bones. The catch? The garden level apartment has a tenant that has a lease until 2050.

But it's not as bad as it seems. The family pays $15,000 per month, and they have a separate entrance, so out of sight = out of mind. With that in mind, and the cost of a major reno, Ryan suggests pricing it at $7 million. But the seller's rep says the lowest they will go is $7.5 million.

So $7.5M it is, on one condition: if Ryan can have the weird red-eyed black panther statue.

On the island, Luis is taking the Jones to a place that costs $2.5 million. Mrs. Jones could care less, but the doctor…he doesn't seem to care either. If it has everything they want, these people don't care how much it costs. "Money? We have loads!"

But the place—a 3,380-square-foot 3BR/4BA with double-height vaulted ceilings—still isn't big enough (would have been nice to know about that 4BR requirement).

So it's on to the next. The $4.1 million price tag of the final place is making Mr. Jones hot, but Mrs. Jones wants to move in to the 7,400-square-foot, 4BR/6BA house right this second.

While Mrs. Jones wants it now, but Mr. Jones plays the responsible, I'm-going-to-pretend-like-my-wife-doesn't-control-me one and says they will think about it.

In New York, Fredrik is running some errands when he gets a call from one of the interested brokers from the private showing. He puts the guy on speakerphone, and his dry cleaner—who is wearing a bow tie—pretends to care (but seems to be genuinely seems excited to be on this show). The offer is all-cash, $13 million, and they'll sign in a week, but Fredrik tells Scott to stop humiliating him. But the most important information in this scene? Fredrik's dry cleaning bill was $690.

Back at the '80s UES mansion, Ryan's hottie assistant Olivia is impatiently waiting for Ryan, who has planned an '80s-themed brokers open house. He shows up in a Delorean for the occasion and has a lot of sweatbands.

The place is packed, every one is getting drunk, havin' some snacks, and wearing weird clothes. People see that renovations are needed, and they're put off by the tenant, but once they learn that tenant = 15Gs a month, their eyes light up.

Luis is pampering his clients with a spa day and round of golf, so he take some time to meet up with Fiorella, his pretty little blonde ex-girlfriend—also the only girlfriend Luis has ever had—who calls him Luigi! We're totally never going back to Luis. They hop in a canoe, Luis spills his heart out, and starts to cry. The poor guy just loves people so much, he's afraid of doing it again and losing himself. Maybe Ryan could learn a thing or two about feelings from him...

Now that things are patched up with Blondie, Luis meets back up with his clients. Apparently, all of this is happening on the same day because no one has changed outfits. They're playing golf—well, really, just whacking balls down the green—and Lady J tells Luis they'll buy any property here if he hits a hole in one.

This isn't a movie, so that doesn't happen, but Luis does hit the ball (after two failed attempts…and however many more were edited out), and freaks out with excitement. Next stop: salsa!

Luis takes the Jones' to a salsa club, where Lady J tells the Dr. they should buy the $4 million house, but the Dr. says no and they start to fight. No one saw that coming, right? Luis takes them outside, er, chases Lady J outside, and they talk it out. The Dr. says he wants the $2.5M, but wifey calls bullshit and says "Mr. Plastic Surgeon" needs to see everything perfectly and have exactly what he wants, and she knows he doesn't want a paltry three-bedroom. Then she suggests the worst: they just hold off and don't buy anything. Until next week...

Ryan has an offer on his 1980s dream house for just over $7 million, but he somehow charms the buyer into upping the price to what the seller wants: $7.5 million. All cash, closing in 60 days. The seller's rep is pleased… or is he? The sellers simply want the best deal (i.e. lots of money), and while bidding wars usually make Ryan happy, no one is fighting over this place.

Ryan begs him tells him why this is a smart idea, and swiftly changes his mind. The panther is his!

At the Soho penthouse, Fredrik has concocted a plan to get Scott to up his price: show more brokers how awesome the place is and make Scott worry that someone else will snap it up. Scott calls his peeps, and they offer $14.5 million, all cash. Steve shows up wearing the most amazing outfit ever to talk numbers. Will he drop below $15M? Time to turn on the charm… which looks a lot like condescension on Freddy.

Somehow, it works. Weeee! It's a done deal, and Freddy gets $435,000. Seated high kicks to celebrate!
· Official site: Million Dollar Listing [Bravo]
· All Million Dollar Listing New York coverage [Curbed]

20 Greene Street

20 Greene Street, New York, NY