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Upper East Side Is Cool Now, Declares Guy Who Lives There

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The Upper East Side, a neighborhood traditionally populated by land barons, oil tycoons, and the mayor, has never really been thought of as "cool." But now, suddenly, it is cool, according to Tom Teodorczuk, a writer for the Daily Beast who lives on the Upper East Side. Why is it cool? The reasons are numerous, but not too numerous to list.

1) The neighborhood is "buzzing thanks to a spate of restaurant, bar and retail openings belatedly supplying sting to the once predominantly WASP enclave." Restaurants and bars are very cool. No arguing with that. Since the Upper East Side didn't have restaurants or bars until recently, and now it does, it has definitely gotten a lot cooler.

2) "'The proportion of young and attractive people living uptown has shot up,' says Mark Dorosz, an Internet entrepreneur who has lived in the area for a decade." Being a young and attractive person is also very cool. If you see one out in the wild, it makes you cool by association, ergo, the Upper East Side is cool.

3) "The Upper East Side is the only real authentic New York neighborhood left in the city." Definitely. No need to even parse this one out, it's just so obviously true. Eat it, Sheepshead Bay.

4) "The old heart of the Upper East Side beats on, symbolized by neon-hued 77-year-old bar Subway Inn and its protracted legal battle to stay open." Ever wonder why institutions in other neighborhoods just pack up and leave at the first sign of trouble? It's because they're not cool.

4) "'I've found the Upper East Side is the only part of New York where I can relax,' says a PR executive [...] ' I moved to the Upper East Side because it was the only place I'd never done any icky damage! I've been sober for over a year.'" So cool.

5) "In a Williamsburg bar last week, I couldn't help thinking, while scanning the predictable sartorial backdrop of skinny jeans, retro T-shirts and kooky eyewear, that this restless desire to embrace the new is shrinking the scene." Wait, what were you doing in Williamsburg?! What are you, some kind of nerd???

6) "By contrast the Upper East Side is refreshingly devoid of bourgeois bohemianism." Know where else is devoid of bourgeois bohemianism? Ohio.

7) "In Brooklyn many people like to talk or tweet about a game that is showing. On the Upper East Side, a higher proportion of people watch soccer." Yeah, soccer. All the coolest kids are super into watching soccer, wherever it happens to be... showing.

8) "'Downtown New York and Brooklyn restaurants are becoming like Paris,' Ross said." UGH, PARIS? SO UNCOOL.

9) Ross's friend James (they're both "thirtysomething male bankers" who live in Tribeca): "'Where I live, every girl is either a model, or they want to be one, so they act like Kate Moss. Here there's much less shame attached to crashing and burning.'" Okay, this is really getting to be too much. Models are cool. They're not pleasant, but they're cool. Hitting on girls in bars and getting rejected isn't cool. You're confusing "feeling comfortable" with — ah, forget it.

10) The "Internet entrepreneur" again: "'I've got Saudi friends coming to bling it up and they've always stayed at the Gramercy Park Hotel, but they'll now be at the Mark Hotel.'" Ooooooooof. Look, it's really okay to not be cool. Not everyone is cool. We're not cool. You're not cool. None of us are cool. You realize it's only a thing if you keep making it a thing, right?

The Upper East Side is not cool.
· Why the Upper East Side Is Now Cooler Than Brooklyn [Daily Beast]
Photo by Vivienne Gucwa