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Million Dollar Listing New York S4E03: Acting Like Children

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It's Season 4 of Million Dollar Listing New York, where three brokers, Fredrik Eklund, Luis Ortiz, and Ryan Serhant, show the world what it takes to sell high-priced New York City apartments. Check in each week for recaps by Angela Bunt. Episode air date: 4/29/2015.

Fredrik is still wrestling with delusional property owner Cheryl, whom he is representing in the sale of her Time Warner duplex. He's already having trouble selling it at the inflated $35 million price tag, and now she wants to raise it to $42 million! Fredrik is adamant that he cannot list it, or sell it, at that cost. But instead of listening to reason, Cheryl opts to listen to her dog, Louis (Like Louis Vuitton? Duh...), who predictably has not much to say. She and Freddy agree to sleep on it and meet again soon. Well, she'll sleep. Fredrik needs to scramble for a buyer—fast.

Ryan is heading to the Upper West Side to check out a listing appointment at 65th Street and Central Park West. Regina, the owners' personal assistant/property seller, is there to show him around the duplex penthouse. Because the penthouse was previously combined from one to two units, the layout is funky and includes two living rooms with one big kitchen in the middle. Nobody in New York is ever home, let alone using their kitchen, so this may prove to be a problem. Despite this oddity, Regina thinks the apartment is worth $6 million, which is $700 more per-square-foot than the industry standard. After a tense back and forth, Regina relents to $5.5 million.

Dr. and Mrs. Jones are back! (Remember these guys? They were the ones who had Luis help them find a vacation home in Puerto Rico last year.) Now they've enlisted him to help sell their massive property in Hamilton Heights in northern Manhattan. The townhouse is incredible, one-of-a-kind, totally unique and gorgeous... but it's on 147th Street. Ouch. Dr. Jones insists you can get to the city from there in 5-15 minutes. Okay, 20 minutes. Maybe 25-30 in traffic. Despite this minor downfall, they still think its worth $3.5 million. Luis counters with $3.31 million, which is basically negligible when we're talking about this many millions, but The Joneses won't budge.

With the looming threat of Cheryl raising the price on the Time Warner condo, Fredrik is feeling the heat. He needs to make a sale quick, and preferably to an oblivious overseas businessman with a bloated wallet. At last week's open house, he learned that Asians prefer to pay in all cash because "they don't like debt," (who does?) and after some research he also learns that there are over 41,000 people living in Asia that are considered millionaires. Time to bust out that special silk suit and start schmoozing!

Luis and his assistant Ronita meet to brainstorm on how to market the Hamilton Heights townhouse. In order to spark interest, Luis needs to sell not only the property, but the Harlem neighborhood it resides in. They decide to capitalize on the townhouse's amazing outdoor space and throw a cocktail party in the backyard filled with live music and local flavor. They're even going to invite some of the neighbors. Well, the rich ones at least.

Ryan's UWS listing screams "family-friendly," so he's been slinging it to every child-wielding client he knows. Unfortunately, every private showing thus far has ended in concerns about the layout and price. He meets with Regina to tell her the news, and to present her with the only offer he's gotten so far: a low one at $3.8 million, almost $2 million less than asking. While it's clear that Regina doesn't have much of a sense of humor, she actually gets so mad at the offer that she says, "this is bullsh*t" and starts angrily chugging water in an effort to "cool down." (Mentally, not physically. Although maybe she was just having a hot flash.) She threatens to get a new broker, and Ryan vows to throw the most baby-friendly open house the Upper West Side has ever seen.

It's been six weeks without an offer on the Time Warner building, so Fredrik is meeting with business consultant Helen to learn about the cultural nuances that come with dealing with rich Asians. First things first: No high-fiving, no high-kicking. Wait, what? Then what's the point? She tells him to focus less on looking the part (sooo, time to nix that kimono) and to not explicitly talk about money as it's considered rude. Man, this is going to be tough for Freddy.

Ryan has gone all out for his family-friendly open house, hitting up every "mommy buyer" in town, and turning the huge UWS duplex into essentially the world's biggest daycare. There's a kids' band, toys, snacks, an indoor parking area for strollers, and he said he's even serving breastmilk! (Seriously, he said that.) Everybody is having a blast with the ballerinas and balloons, and Ryan even opts to get his face painted. Granted, it says "Buy Me" on his cheek, but it's the thought that counts. All mommies in attendance seem interested, now hopefully one makes an offer before Cheryl has another hot flash.

Ever have a party where nobody shows up? Yeaahh, so that's kind of what happens to Luis when he throws his Harlem backyard block party. Despite the live entertainment and delightful finger food, folks just can't seem to make the trek from lower Manhattan into Harlem. (To be fair, how many times have you seen your friend since she moved from Manhattan to Brooklyn last year? Exactly.) Despite the small turnout, the people that do show up are super into the space. Luis may have some potential bites, and we're not just talking about that bangin' fried chicken outside.

Ryan's baby-tastic open house was a success, and he's received a $4.2 million offer on the quirky UWS duplex. In an effort to soften up Regina, and maybe so she'll stop swearing at him, Ryan borrows his coworker's baby to bring with him to their meeting. No, we're not kidding. While she acts lovingly towards the child, she's still hard as a rock towards Ryan, and counters—very angrily—with $4.9 million. Ryan calls the even-less-friendly client broker, Dan, to tell him the news. He tells Ryan "f**k you" and then agrees to all-cash $4.5 million, max. Poor punching bag Ryan presents the offer to Regina, and she relents. Success! Ryan says he's ready for nappies and a bottle. Emilia, where you at?

Fredrik is being haunted by the overpriced Time Warner listing and his inability to sell it. He heads into the office, only to find Jordan there with a letter from Cheryl's attorney. She is terminating them as her realtors. Ouch! Is this a Million Dollar Listing first? Fredrik is having an identity crisis at the loss of something he worked so hard in his career to gain. This reminds me of that time Luis lost his listing at Lincoln Plaza last year. Maybe Freddy should ring him up for some advice?

While the turnout for Luis's open house wasn't what he expected, the folks that did show up were serious buyers. Since the party, he's not only had tons of other showings, but has also received two incredible offers. Unfortunately, they're both at $3 million and $3.1 million. He calls Mrs. Jones, who says it's not worth it to sell at that price, that the house is a "piece of art" and worth more. Talk about keeping up with The Joneses...

Freddy, feeling defeated and lost, meets with Derek at a nearby park. Derek basically tells him "who cares?" that he lost the deal, right as a cute little child runs up with a toy train. (No, not the same child that Ryan is renting for the episode.) Derek then reveals to Freddy that he's been thinking more about the possibility of having children, and that he'd like them to take the next step. "So we're gonna' have a baby?" asks Fredrik. Well, not literally, 'cause you know... male parts and all. But you get the idea. Luckily, Freddy's career in real estate has already prepared him with how to deal with stubborn whiny children. Cheers!
· Million Dollar Listing New York [Bravo]
· Million Dollar Listing Season 4 recaps [Curbed]
· All Recaps [Curbed]