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Million Dollar Listing New York S4E04: Serious Business

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It's Season 4 of Million Dollar Listing New York, where three brokers, Fredrik Eklund, Luis Ortiz, and Ryan Serhant, show the world what it takes to sell high-priced New York City apartments. Check in each week for recaps by Angela Bunt. Episode air date: 5/6/2015.

After last week's episode filled with uncertainty and disappointments, this week begins on a high note with Luis heading to the office of Dr. Jones to deliver some good news. Clearly this is something big, because Luis says he doesn't care if Dr. Jones is in the middle of butt implants—this cannot wait. Turns out they have received three new offers on their Harlem Heights townhouse, for $3.1 million, $3.25 million, and $3.51 million. That's right—an above-ask offer! The Joneses and Luis have a love fest while they agree to take the deal.

Fredrik has discovered at the ripe age of 38 that it might be good business practice to get along with your coworkers. Thus, he's decided to work with Ryan on his current real-estate project in Chelsea. It's a five-unit building called Modern 19 at 138 West 19th Street, starting with a garden apartment listed at $1.925 million and ending with a penthouse listed at $5.995 million. Even though he and Ryan work at two different firms, they verbally agree to do a co-exclusive together. Key words being: verbally agree. Technically, the paperwork hasn't been drafted up yet, but Ryan assumes it's just a formality at this point. Meanwhile, the two are already vastly disagreeing about how to stage the penthouse. Yup, I see this working out well.

Luis is on Cloud 9 as he drives to meet the Joneses for a celebratory dinner. Until Ronita calls. Apparently the new buyers—the ones who came in $10,000 over ask—had their financing fall through. Awkkkward. Luis has a minor freak-out in his car and does a bit of screaming. I feel like 80% of the Luis scenes are him receiving bad news while driving, and then getting hella road rage.

Luis knew the offer was too good to be true, and it was. He orders a bottle of Scotch in an attempt to drown his sorrows before Dr. & Mrs. Jones arrive. They're all smiles until he breaks the news. "Try to imagine a scenario in which that $3.5 million offer never existed," he tells them, but unfortunately they cannot. If they can't get a $3.5 million offer, it's not worth it for them to sell. The climax of the scene comes when the Joneses tell Luis if he no longer wants to represent the property, he doesn't have to. No pressure. Despite the $100,000 loss of commission, Luis says he would rather step down and maintain their friendship. Who else would be able to teach them salsa dancing in Puerto Rico?

Ryan and Fredrik agreed to meet a stager to discuss their two (very) different ideas for the penthouse: Freddy wants fur, Ryan wants elegance. Although stager William is one of Freddy's own, he holds no bias, and creates a plan that encompasses both of the brokers' ideas. But not without the two of them getting in to a bit of a fight first, 'natch.

Fredrik has always dreamed of being rich and powerful enough to "summon an assistant to the hair salon," and summon he does. Cue Jordan—our new favorite assistant ever since Olivia got her real-estate license—who takes a seat next to him in the barber chair while making him sign a few checks. Fredrik nags Jordan about the co-exclusive contract with Ryan—when will it be done? Jordan reassures him that the paperwork is just stuck with the lawyers, and that there's nothing else to do but wait.

Ryan heads to dinner with a potential client, Arty, a Russian artist. Apparently, Arty has $20 million that he'd like to move out of Russia and invest in New York City real estate. Winning! He's surrounded by a bevy of beauties, all slinging back tequila, as Ryan joins their table. (I'm also pretty sure he introduces one of the women as having the name "Malaria," but cannot confirm.) He tells Ryan that he'll only hire him as his broker if he takes five shots of tequila right then and there. Ryan accepts his challenge and says he'd drink motor oil if it meant working with a $20-mil client. Really, Ryan? What else would you drink? I hear Russians are pretty kinky.

Luis is perched up on a sick NYC rooftop drinking wine and waiting for his date to arrive. He met Lysane when she was the manager of a restaurant he frequented, and now they're hanging out for the second time. Oooh, girlfriend potential? The two make small talk—and by small talk I mean Luis over-compliments her and makes her feel awkward—but something isn't right. Luis is distracted. Despite his burning desire to have a relationship, he's too focused on not being able to give the Joneses the $3.5 million they truly deserve. After they slow dance sans music, he sends Lysane on her way—it's time to focus. Luis, if you're reading this, this is why you don't have a girlfriend.

Ryan meets with Arty and his all-chick posse to check out a listing in the Meatpacking District. Despite the 5,500 square feet, multiple bedrooms and bathrooms, gourmet kitchen (for all the cooking he'll be doing) and prime location, Arty isn't really feeling it. But his gal pals delight in bouncing on every bed and stealing food from the owner's refrigerator.

Oh meh gawd, Ryan and Emilia are going on a double-date with Fredrik and Derek. First conflict: Freddy wants red wine; Ryan wants white. (Personally, I prefer red, but whatever.) After a bit of awkward tension, Freddy breaks the silence by suggesting Derek paint a portrait of Emilia. Like, a naked portrait. Hmm, as long as Freddy and Ryan don't pop in, that would actually be kind of hot.

Fredrik then insists on Ryan giving him "a piece of his meat"—guys, he's eating steak. Get your minds out of the gutter. The two are all smiles, err, more like grimaces, as Freddy and Derek announce their plan to have a child. Now all they have to find is an egg donor. ...Emilia?

Back at Luis headquarters, he and Ronita are meeting to figure out why things have been so sucky lately. First, the failed attempt at a Harlem block party last week, and now the loss of the Jones townhouse. Ronita says, "We have too many clients and aren't paying enough attention to each one." She tells Luis that they need to hire additional help. Let the interview process begin! This should be fun.

OK, so when I said the thing earlier about Freddy asking Emilia for her eggs, I was totally kidding. But here we are, watching Freddy and Derek recap the evening in their fur and silk robes (respectively), with Fredrik actually suggesting that for realz. Dude, I know you are eager to get the contract signed for the co-exclusive, but you don't need to be swapping fluids just to show your devotion! Derek agrees that Emilia is a sweetie (she totally is), but he'd need to think about it.

Ryan is at his second showing for Arty in Tribeca Park, aaaand Arty is already late. Too much partying the night before? This time he enters solo... just kidding! The girls are totally there with him again. While they show themselves around the $22.5 million pad, Arty is in his usual spirits and forces Ryan to drink more tequila. It seems that nobody but Ryan is taking this very seriously—and I'm not just saying that because one of the models and/or Russian brides and/or straight-up prostitutes are taking art off the walls and defiling the chalkboard. Ryan pulls Arty aside to talk business: does he really want to invest in a $22 million apartment? Or is this all a joke. Arty barely has time to answer before he runs off to take more shots. Uh ohhh...
· All Million Dollar Listing New York coverage [Curbed]